Question Archive

I've tried acknowledging feelings, but my child just says 'stop talking!' What do I do?

The Skill: Use “less is more" and non-verbal empathy.

When a child is flooded, too many words feel like an attack. Instead of a long sentence like "I can see you are very frustrated because...", try a simple, empathetic "Oh..." or "Mmm."

Sometimes, just sitting near them and nodding is the most powerful way to acknowledge a feeling. Save the words for when the "storm" has passed.

How do I stop my child from hitting/biting without using a time-out?

The Skill: State the limit + redirect to an acceptable outlet.

Instead of a lecture, use a firm but calm statement of fact: "Hands are not for hitting. People are for loving." Then, immediately give them a way to express that physical energy: "You look so angry! You can hit this cushion or stomp your feet on the rug. I can't let you hurt me.”

My child refuses to get dressed when I ask, and nothing works. What do I do?

The Skill: Describe the Problem or Offer a Choice.

Avoid the "drill sergeant" voice.

Try Describing: "I see a boy in pajamas and it’s almost time for the bus."

Or, Offer a Choice: "Do you want to brush your teeth like a lion or like a mouse today?" Giving a choice gives your child a sense of power, which usually dissolves the urge to resist.

What is the difference between "gentle parenting" and "permissive parenting"?

This is a vital question. As a Parent Consultant I often see these terms used interchangeably in the media, but in attachment science, they represent two very different developmental paths.

The confusion usually stems from the fact that both styles avoid physical punishment and shaming. However, the internal experience for the child, and the long-term impact on their brain, is vastly different.

Evidence-based research (specifically Baumrind’s parenting styles) categorises parenting based on two dimensions: Responsiveness (empathy/warmth) and Demandingness (structure/boundaries).

  • Permissive Parenting is high warmth, but low structure. It is often "child-led" to an extreme where the parent avoids saying "no" to prevent conflict.

  • Gentle (Authoritative) Parenting is high warmth AND high structure. It is relationship-led. You are a soft place to land, but you are still the Captain of the Ship.

Permissive parenting is often a path of least resistance. It's easier to say "yes" than to deal with a tantrum. Gentle Parenting requires you to be a self-regulated adult. You must be strong enough to watch your child be upset while staying calm and firm in your boundary.

If I don't punish my child, how will they learn that their behaviour was wrong?

The Skill: Focus on restitution and natural consequences.

Punishment makes a child focus on how "mean" the parent is, rather than what they did wrong. Restitution teaches responsibility. If milk is spilled on purpose, the response is: "Oops, we’ve spilled the milk. Here is a sponge so you can help me wipe it up." The "learning" happens in the fixing, not the suffering.

Why are people saying not to say 'I am proud of you' to children anymore??

This is a hot topic in modern parenting, and it often feels counterintuitive. Most of us grew up hearing "I'm so proud of you," and it felt like a warm hug. However, current child development science and the "How to Talk" framework suggest shifting our language to foster a more resilient, internally motivated child.

When we say "I’m proud of you," we are inadvertently making the achievement about our feelings rather than the child's effort.

If a child is constantly told "I'm proud of you," they start to perform for the "hit" of parental approval. They become extrinsically motivated. Stanford researcher Carol Dweck actually found that praising a child's result or identity (e.g., "You're so smart, I'm proud of your A") can actually make them more likely to give up when things get hard. They become afraid of losing that "proud" status if they fail.

Try replacing "I am proud of you" with "you should be proud of yourself." It’s a tiny shift that changes the child’s entire internal narrative.